The value I hold like a treasure is what I want to remain.
I know I hold great power in my hands, the possibility of change. I can change many things. I can also change myself. I can change the world around me with my own hands. To do that, I must know my soul, discover my richness and my poverty.
Father Joseph Kentenich said: “Let us strive to have self-control, let us observe where our strength lies and where our weakness lies. If we truly know ourselves, we will not so easily throw stones at our neighbor, because in him there is also a mixture, different from mine.”
When I know myself in my truth, I am able to look at others with more compassion. Because I have tasted the pain of defeat. And I have known loss and want.
I have suffered the weakness I flee from and have experienced the deepest wound in my soul. Therefore, I can look with open eyes, without surprise, without rejecting anything or anyone.
But the path to self-discovery is long.
And not only that. I can change along the way. I’ve experienced that so many times.
I can change through my own efforts, and I can change through God’s power in my life. He can change me for the better. He can smooth my rough edges. He can end my fears. He can raise hope within my soul.
I find it hard to change. I don’t know how, but the heart gets used to what it knows and doesn’t want to leave behind even its sin. I see my resistance to change so often.
I know it happens all the time. I change even when I don’t want to. But I resist change. I get used to the same old thing. And I don’t want to try something new that I don’t know yet. I don’t know how to do it.
I wish I were wiser to face life. And to be able to distinguish with certainty within myself what I can change from what I cannot.
Travis Bradberry talks about a toxic attitude that hurts me: “There is nothing in life that you always do or never do. There may be things you do a lot or not enough, but labeling a habit with the terms ‘always’ or ‘never’ is falling into self-pity. It’s making yourself believe that you have no control over yourself and that you can never change.”
I refuse to believe that hurtful phrase, “That’s just the way I am.” It’s true that some of my tendencies will always remain. That doesn’t matter. The only truth is that I can be better.
I can be more patient, freer, more generous, more open, more merciful, simpler, and more naive. I can, if I strive for it, if I let myself be shaped.
There will be things about me that will never change and will always hurt. I will accept them and place them in Maria’s hands. She will know what to do and how to improve them.
But even so, the world around me changes. Life changes. Change is the most real thing around me. So often it scares me. It confronts me with my limitations and my habits. With who I am, with my lack of self-worth.
I don’t want everything to change, and yet it does. I like stability and for things to always be the way they are now.
It worries me that life changes. And that I’ll be forced to change my ways, my methods, to the same degree. I want to learn to distinguish what can change from what can’t.
Father Kentenich makes a clear distinction between forms and essence: “Forms are created for a specific period of time. With the passage of time, they disintegrate. Centuries pass, and with them the forms also pass. Our leaders must be men of firm ideas. A form can change, be one way in the present and another in the future. If there are no longer men who can distinguish between form and idea, when the forms dissolve, everything will easily be abandoned.”
I don’t want to lose everything. The form may change, but the essence must remain. I want the wisdom to discern what I must preserve. To never cease being myself in my essence, even if my outward appearance changes.
External things aren’t the most important. The value I hold dear is what I want to remain. I don’t want to be constantly shifting from one thing to another. I remain bound to God, who has given me a purpose in life.
The expressions of my soul may change. But I want to be true to the essence within me. God has given me a truth. A dream of infinity that rests in my heart.
I want to be true to what’s important. To what doesn’t change with time. What’s less important can change. And that change is good for me. It leads me to renew myself.
I need to learn new ways to love from my truth. New paths to express the world that lives intact within me. Without ever giving up who I am. All amidst life’s changes.