This is one of the most difficult issues a couple can face, and specifically, for the person making the decision, it’s a very stressful and distressing situation.
I always recommend to my patients that when in doubt, they try to talk to their partners, discuss their feelings, and try to get the relationship back on track.
However, if the person has thought it through a lot, is very clear about it, and wants to end the relationship, then, for the sake of honesty, well-being, and goodwill, it should be done as soon as possible.
However, not everything goes; you have to do it right and dedicate the time and effort that the relationship and the other person deserve.
If you’re certain you don’t want to continue the relationship because you’ve fallen out of love, because you don’t feel the same way as before, perhaps because you see no future in the relationship, because you live in different places and can’t change, because you don’t share the same plans, or even because you’ve met someone you’re developing feelings for and it could go beyond friendship, etc.
If, for any of these reasons, or any other, you’re completely sure you don’t want to continue the relationship, the best thing to do is reflect and take some time to write down your thoughts, especially the positive aspects that have emerged from the relationship, the positive aspects of the other person, and the positive aspects of a new future.
This will help guide you through the difficult conversation you have to have to break up with your partner. If you want to cause them the least possible pain, we should always approach these kinds of situations with a positive attitude.
The notebook
Try writing down all the positive things the relationship has given you in your notebook, and leave the recriminations aside. Don’t try to justify your breakup by blaming the other person’s mistakes.
At this delicate moment, it’s useless; in fact, it’s counterproductive because it can trigger anger. Write down your feelings, talk about what’s happening to you so the other person can understand, but without assigning blame.
Instead, talk about how your feelings have changed, whether you’re feeling anxious, or if you no longer feel like doing certain things, yet you do want to do others, and so on.
Another important point to note in your notebook, and one that may have already happened to you, is how you’ve evolved as a person, and that this may not have been in the same direction as your partner’s evolution.
Often, one of the biggest problems couples face, and one I’ve seen in my practice, is that people change, evolve, and find their own paths, and sometimes the paths of two people in a relationship diverge, and it’s not possible to go back because they’re heading towards different destinations and projects. If this is happening to you, it’s a good point to reflect on and discuss with your partner.
Don’t wait to find the perfect moment
While it’s true that you need to think a little about the most opportune moment to talk, what you can’t do is keep putting it off because you can’t find the perfect moment. The perfect moment will never come. Ideally, it should be done in person, above all else.
Don’t end things by phone, email, WhatsApp, etc. You have to face the other person and do it in a way that shows they’re important to you despite the breakup.
That you’re thinking about them and care about their well-being. Therefore, you need to create a moment just the two of you, in a quiet environment where there are no interruptions and where there won’t be any. A place that allows you to talk for a few hours in a calm and comfortable way.
Prepare the points of conversation and your attitude
Thanks to your notebook, you’ll have points to make, and it will also help you express yourself clearly. Choosing your words carefully is important to avoid misunderstandings and confusion. In such complex conversations, your words must be precise.
Your attitude must be 100% sincere, involved, realistic, calm, firm at the same time, and one of active listening. Active listening is one of the most important aspects of your attitude, so that the other person can express themselves in the face of such an impact, and you can listen and alleviate their pain with your approach.
Above all, you are people who love each other or have loved each other and don’t want to hurt one another.
Firmness is also an important aspect of your attitude. If you’ve already made the decision and are completely sure, your firmness will also make the other person understand that it’s final and that you don’t want a second chance or a break.
It also demonstrates confidence, seriousness, thoughtfulness, and sincerity—attitudes that will greatly help your partner accept the breakup.
Take a break outdoors
After the conversation, if you have the opportunity, taking a walk in nature, or on a quiet beach, will help you look ahead, think about building a new project separately, talk about your fears, etc.
When is the right time to address pending issues?
Of course, you need to leave some time between talking about the breakup and talking about unfinished business.
Once the other person has accepted the end of the relationship, and if you have any outstanding issues to resolve.
You’ll need to sit down together, always maintaining the same tone of sincerity, active listening, positivity, and a focus on a new chapter, and agree on the matters you have pending, such as children (if any), the house, personal belongings, money, etc.