Just because we know it’s time to pack our bags and gracefully leave a relationship doesn’t mean the goodbye will be easy.
When you break up with a partner, it’s as if all your deepest fears, insecurities, “bad” thoughts, and basically your “dark parts” throw a super creepy pajama party in your head.
Who comes to a thirsty spring and sees the moon reflected in it?-Rumi-
So, it’s very likely that in the days following a breakup, you won’t be able to see the situation with perspective. You’ll be caught up in the typical paradox of “not being able to see the forest for the trees”—that is, you’ll be so desperate to satisfy your thirst for affection, for love, to escape the feeling of emptiness or loneliness, that you won’t be able to enjoy the beautiful reflection of the moon.
But don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you that “life has something better in store for you” or that “there are plenty of fish in the sea” – I’m a psychologist, not your neighborhood baker.
Allowing ourselves to feel what we don’t like, what is uncomfortable or “unbearable”, instead of trying to be immediately okay, is the first step to being able to go through a grieving process that will help us overcome a breakup.
How to act after a breakup?
A couple of quick explanations before we begin:
1. As you know, because you’ve probably been told hundreds of times, any grief has different phases, so I’ve divided the article like this (you’ll see there are a few more than usual).
However, you should know that this process is not sequential; you don’t necessarily have to go through one phase after another until you reach the end of the road safe and sound.
In each section, I give you keys so that you can navigate the phase and not get stuck in it, but you will surely return to them from time to time and relapse into the same emotions and thoughts that you thought you had “overcome,” and you may not even go through some or many of the phases.
Grief is personal, cultural, and dynamic, and you are unique, so don’t worry if you don’t “fit the mold.”
2. Following this idea, not everything I tell you may be good for you; I have tried to give you ideas based on psychology and my experience, but they may not apply to your case.
Think of it like an all-you-can-eat buffet; take what you like and leave what you don’t.
Warning! To know if something works for you, you’ll have to try it. Don’t believe what your mind tells you about what works and what doesn’t. Experiment!
Clarification: I find the use of gender-inclusive language—mentioning both genders every time—confusing. So, in this article, I’ve decided to use them randomly, although, obviously, this applies whether you’re a man and your ex is a woman, or vice versa, or any other possible socio-emotional arrangement. This article will be helpful as long as you are a person, your ex is also a person, and you’re suffering from a broken relationship.
3. If you reread the title, you’ll see that I’m talking about how to act, not how to feel or what to think. Acting in a certain way is the only thing you can control; your thoughts and feelings are not.
They do their own thing and don’t depend on you.
And now, roll up your sleeves and let’s get down to business.
The 7 stages of grief Denial
The first thing you need to know is that your mind has a loss aversion. It’s very attached to what it has, what’s familiar, and what it identifies as safe (whether it is or not).
So losing something is incredibly painful for him. Even if everything turns out for the best in the future, he doesn’t care.
Denial is the first stage of grief, and although it may not seem like it, it serves a purpose. It allows your mind more time to process what has happened. It’s as if, instead of throwing you directly off a cliff, it makes you go down a less steep slope so you have time to “come to terms with it.”
Denial involves any behavior that helps you feel the bond isn’t broken. This ranges from fantasizing about getting back together or reconciling, to thinking you see your ex on the street (when it’s not them), or dreaming that you’re continuing with your lives as if nothing happened.
Dangers: getting trapped in the fantasy of recovering the lost bond, daydreaming in continuous sessions.
Help your brain accept the loss!
Seeing the corpse of the relationship
When someone dies, it’s common to be asked at the funeral whether the coffin should be left open or closed. This depends on the culture, the era, and the family’s preferences.
However, it’s easier for someone to grieve if the coffin is open, because they can see the body, and the mind confirms that death is real. There’s no room for fantasy.
That is why it is so difficult to grieve for missing persons whose bodies are not found.
Good.
Well, as Walter Riso said, and believe it or not, getting over an ex is sometimes more complicated than getting over a death. Simply because your ex is still out there, alive and kicking, and your mind can nurture the hope and possibility of rebuilding what was broken, as if to say:
Love is in intensive care, but it’s still breathing!
Every time hope of getting back together resurfaces, the grieving process is put on hold. The more times the grieving process is interrupted, the harder it is to process the loss, because your brain will eventually stop believing it’s truly over.
When the last time we saw each other was the last time and we couldn’t believe it because the last time was never the last.
Therefore, it is important that you can see, as soon as possible, what I have come to call the “corpse of the relationship”.
Something that signals to your brain that that relationship, that bond, is no longer alive.
Many grieving processes remain stuck at this stage because, although the person rationally knows the relationship is over, that information hasn’t reached their heart. In these cases, the grieving process can begin months or years later, when the ex-partner starts a new relationship or gets married, and the brain can finally process the loss.
Mummification
Your mind won’t want to see the corpse, I’m warning you.
You’ll want to keep thinking that the relationship isn’t over yet and that there are still chances of getting it back, so it’s completely normal to find it very painful to get rid of things that remind you of your ex.
This can lead to mummification behaviors, which involve not throwing away anything that belonged to or reminds you of your ex, as a way of staying in internal contact with the relationship, since your mind has difficulty distinguishing between reality and the fiction that is created.
If you let this behavior get out of hand, you could end up like Arty from The Simpsons.
And since I assume this isn’t your ideal future, let’s see how to avoid it.
Marie Kondo and stimulus control
Let me explain quickly. Stimulus control is a technique widely used in addiction treatment when the person wants to stop using.
It sounds dry, but let me explain.
We all know that love is like a drug; it’s not just a saying, it works more or less the same way on a neurochemical level. And the breakup of a long-term relationship can lead to withdrawal symptoms.
When this happens, you’ll want to quickly “consume” —that is, get in touch with your ex, one way or another. Call them, stalk them on social media, or start looking through photos from your relationship.
Stimulus control is simply eliminating all stimuli that could trigger the behavior.
If updates about your ex’s life keep popping up every time you open Instagram, you’re much more likely to relapse into any of those behaviors: thinking, feeling, remembering, or contacting them. The same goes if you have hundreds of things in your home that remind you of them.
Good.
We’re going to use Marie Kondo’s organizational tips for this part, because a breakup is essentially a reorganization of your life.
She suggests that when you’re about to throw clothes away from your closet, ask yourself the question: “Does this make me happy?” If the answer is no, throw it away.
The problem is that human beings are naturally attached to things, so as soon as you ask yourself that question, you’ll rarely get a clear and resounding “no,” even if you haven’t worn it since your communion; your mind will start looking for reasons to keep it.
Marie, who is very understanding of human nature, doesn’t force you to throw them away. She suggests you put all these “doubts” in a box and store it somewhere inaccessible. If, after a year, you remember these clothes and want to wear them, go ahead, you can retrieve them.
I suggest you do something similar with your ex’s things. Put them all in a box and give it to a friend to keep for you.
Why not leave it at home? Well, you can if you want, but if we’re this attached to our clothes, imagine how attached we are to our exes! You might be tempted to open the box just to reminisce while, as my friend Carolina used to say, listening to boleros and grieving for lost love.
I’m not saying this is wrong, but taking it to a friend’s house will help you manage that urge to use. In the time it takes to call her, meet up, and go get the contents of the box, the intensity of the urge will likely have lessened, and you’ll be able to think more clearly and decide, with full awareness (and not while your neurotransmitters are pumping), what you want to do. Maybe you’ll decide to score a victory in your recovery and skip going to get that darn box.
As I always say:
Make it easy on yourself! You don’t have to prove your iron will to anyone. The will of all Homo sapiens is quite volatile; I wouldn’t bet everything on it.
And, believe it or not, this is the easiest step; now comes the second part: how to get it out of your head.
How do I forget it?
Well, look, you’re not going to forget it unless you have Dr. Howard Mierzwiak’s phone number; the one who, in the movie ” Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (which was translated into Spanish as ” ¡Olvídate de mí!” For no reason at all ), can erase the memory of anyone who comes to his office.
It’s normal for your brain to be flooded with images and memories of the relationship in the weeks following the breakup.
Heads up! Although this may seem obvious, those memories are not the relationship. They are a pastiche of moments, cut, pasted, and edited by your brain pumped full of cortisol and adrenaline.
The thing is, stubbornly trying to keep the memory of your ex out of your mind isn’t just impossible; it might actually be hindering your recovery.
Then, forget about forgetting it. You don’t have amnesia. Luckily, your brain is fine and remembers.
So what can you do instead? Well, first, acknowledge it and distance yourself.
In fact, you might find it helpful to greet the memory when it appears.
— Oh, you’re here again, John Doe!
— Wow, hi Menganita, it’s been at least two minutes since I’ve heard from you!
Treat him like an unwanted guest who knocks on your door, but don’t engage him in conversation. Simply tell him you’re busy and return your attention to whatever you’re doing.
If you’re dying to pay attention to your ex, choose a time of day and postpone it until then. Give them a date, with plenty of time (15-30 minutes, whatever you prefer). When that time of day arrives, you can think about your ex as much as you want.
It’s important that when the date arrives, you give it all that time. Don’t stop thinking about it, even if you get bored after five minutes.
Not everything depends on the will to forget
I wish it were as easy as making an effort to stop thinking about or remembering your ex and actually succeeding.
But neuroscience has shown that there are neurological circuits that more intensely fix memories that were created in a strong emotional context.
Bechara spoke of a “brain conflict” because, on the one hand, the relationship has ended, but on the other hand, your brain will continue to trigger sensations and memories that have to do with the relationship.
In simpler terms, the memory of your ex (and the emotions associated with them) can keep resurfacing long after the relationship has ended, especially if it was a long-term relationship. This is perfectly normal and DOES NOT MEAN that you haven’t “moved on” or anything like that.
We’ve agreed that this whole torrent of memories, sensations, and emotions is more likely to be triggered if there are stimuli that remind you of the relationship or your ex, right?
And the biggest of these is: your ex in person.
No contact, yes or no?
No contact is the typical advice you find when doing a quick Google search and it involves the following:
- You don’t answer calls from your ex.
- You don’t stalk him/her on social media.
- You don’t talk about that person with your friends or acquaintances.
- You avoid frequenting places that remind you of your ex.
- And basically, you pretend it doesn’t exist.
After everything I’ve told you, you might already have an idea of the answer, but let’s delve deeper into the typical post-breakup dilemma, namely:
Is it possible to be friends with an ex?
Why can’t I be friends with my ex?
The other day I had a conversation with my friend Rocío about breakups. One conclusion we reached, quite obvious but often overlooked, is that when a relationship ends, both the good and bad parts of the other person go with them. You can’t choose what to keep . For example:
— Since the sex was good, we just kept sleeping together and that was it , or
— Since he was a great support and very empathetic, we remained friends.
Your brain doesn’t want to say goodbye to the good parts. It hates suffering and will tell you a thousand stories to make you reconsider your decision or try to rebuild the relationship, but…
Anything that makes you think or feel that the relationship still exists or that there is hope of recovering the bond is encouraging denial and hindering the grieving process.
Staying in touch with your ex is usually the biggest of those things.
Keep in mind that your brain is used to being that person’s partner, not their friend.
Being in a relationship involves a different kind of bond, intimacy, habits, and commitment than friendship. If you stay in contact with your ex in the days or months after the breakup, it’s incredibly easy to end up repeating the same patterns you were both familiar with.
You can’t change the terms of a relationship overnight.
When I was in the Integrative Therapy master’s program, this request was very common when someone had just broken up with their partner. And we always told them:
— You can be friends with whoever you want, literally whoever you want, except your ex.
But then… when do you say we can be friends?
You might not give up at first, and like everything in life, it’s not black and white. There are certainly ex-partners who have managed to remain friends after a long relationship without any major problems.
And yes, I know you’re going to cling to that 1% of cases like a lifeline: My ex and I are probably one of those!
How can we tell?
Actually, the question that will help you answer no contact yes or no, is not why , which might have you arguing and counter-arguing for hours about the good and bad reasons for doing it or not doing it.
It’s about why you want contact with your ex. If, being honest with yourself , the answer has to do with ” winning them back,” “making sure they don’t forget me,” “reconciling,” or something similar, then it’s best to put some distance between you, for now.
You can start this project, if you still have the desire, once you have grieved .
And when will that be? I’ll tell you at the end of the article.
Rationalization
It is the phase in which you try to understand, on a cognitive level, why the relationship broke down.
I had a teacher who said that an experience is integrated when we are able to learn something from it.
I don’t know how scientific this statement was, but it’s clear that this phase exists for a reason. It’s so we can process grief cognitively, that is, so we can understand it intellectually.
Rationalizing in psychology is a concept that has its intricacies, but it’s enough to keep in mind that it’s about finding a coherent explanation for yourself as to why the relationship ended.
Dangers: getting stuck in rumination or bargaining (with a hypothetical reality), trying to win back the person you love.
It’s normal to have thoughts like: “if I had been more understanding,” “if I had paid more attention to…,” “if I hadn’t had such a bad temper…,” “if he/she had said/done….”
And feelings of helplessness, lack of control, a sense of being lost, existential crisis! Oh my God, who am I, where do I come from, and where am I going?
What happened to us? Weren’t we happy?
Even if your brain tries to tell you everything was fine, if the relationship has ended, it means something wasn’t right, either on your part or theirs. Even so, your mind will struggle to understand, especially while you’re experiencing emotional pain, why the relationship ended.
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of emotional blindness, of our mistakes and betrayals. It dies because of our illnesses and wounds of the heart. It dies of exhaustion, from lack of nourishment.
-Anais Nin-
This is normal, and in another article, I’ll talk about how to tackle rumination, but, especially if you’re the one who’s been dumped and you don’t quite understand it, it can help to have a long, in-depth conversation with your ex about the reasons that led to the breakup.
If you have to meet three times to ask for explanations, then meet three times.
(Well, provided he/she is also willing, because we started trying to get over a breakup and ended up with a restraining order).
Warning! Never skip this step.
Our brain has a problem with unfinished processes ( the Zeigarnik effect ). It doesn’t like leaving things half-done or receiving ambiguous or imprecise explanations.
That’s why when a song gets stuck in your head on repeat, they recommend listening to it from beginning to end to get it out of your head.
Well, there is a danger that an “unfinished” relationship will linger in your mind longer than necessary.
That’s why today I’m going to recommend something that one of my exes used to do, whom we’ll call Pepito, for privacy reasons.
Closing the circle: The story of Pepito and emotional suicide
You see, Pepito, he was in love with a girl (who didn’t pay him any attention) for about 6 years. He dreamed about her, they talked for hours, he fantasized about marrying her, and he suffered terribly because that moment never came.
One day, fed up with the situation, he decided to talk to her, openly express his feelings, and explicitly ask her for an answer.
She told him no, as expected, but the good news is that six months of no contact later, his obsession had completely disappeared.
Now, in fact, they are good friends.
From then on, whenever Pepito gets dumped in a relationship, he always asks, “Why?” And he doesn’t accept vague answers like the typical “It’s not you, it’s me.” He wants to know exactly why the other person doesn’t want to be with him. However painful it may be.
She suffers a lot in these conversations because most of the time she hears things she’d rather not. But she’s learned how to move on when something isn’t working.
There is a very valuable lesson in what Pepito does. And it is what I have come to call “emotional suicide”.
Emotional suicide involves going to your ex in the most open and honest way possible and communicating how you feel, what you want, and asking for the explanations you need to ask for.
I call it that because most of us are not willing to face that moment that involves showing ourselves more vulnerable than ever, taking off all our armor, and allowing someone to deliver, in all likelihood, a semi-fatal blow straight to the heart.
It’s terribly painful, but it works. It helps us, as I was saying before, to see the corpse of the relationship. To understand, at a deep level, why it couldn’t work.
However, before asking your ex for explanations, double-check your reason why.
Recently, a friend who wanted to have one last conversation with her ex told me she was going to wait a week because that way she’d get a tan after the beach. No judgment here, we’ve all been there. But if you get involved in a game of winning them back, then you’re dealing with something else entirely.
You don’t have to show up in baggy pants, either. There’s a middle ground between dressing like a bum and wearing the “look what you’re missing, idiot” dress that Lola wears when she meets up with her ex.
And that’s it?
Of course not! Up to this point, we’ve talked about the cognitive phase of grief. The one that involves your mind constantly replaying everything related to the relationship.
Many questions remain unanswered. In the next installments, we’ll delve into the two remaining phases: the emotional phase and the closing phase. We’ll address questions such as:
- What to do with sadness so you don’t get trapped in it and watch it eat away at your life.
- How to deal with relapses. Showing up at your ex’s house with a bouquet of flowers might not be the best idea, but we’re all human, and it’s part of the saying goodbye process.
- We’ll answer the question you probably ask yourself most often: When will I be okay?
- We’ll talk about a different approach to grief, and I’ll explain why saying you have to get over your ex doesn’t make sense.
That concludes the first installment of the Maxi-guide to getting over a breakup.